Thursday, 1 September 2016

Those Young Etonians - a guide

1 – Rapacious Dong. Son of a Malaysian child trafficker and keen monkey pornographer, Rapacious is already captain of the Eton Yachting Club and the prospective Tory MP for Avarice-upon-Thames. Just 15, he is a wow with the ladies according to his lawyer.
2 – Charles “Gobbler” Goldberg, Little is known about “Gobbler”, nicknamed for his late mother, Lady Evadne Goldberg, owner of South Yorkshire Police and infamous hostess on the Chiselhurst Hot Tub circuit.
3 – Willesden Goretex-Piss. Nicknamed the Diamond due to his resemblance to forgotten TV presenter Dominik and also because it was his first word. “A shithouse of the highest calibre” according to pension-guzzling Philip Green.
4 – Roger Heathcliff - Roger’s Eton yearbook describes him as “possessing the ambitions of a Kennedy and the morality of a Murdoch”. Not this year’s either. This was his kindergarten entry.
5 and 6 – Bromley and Croydon Gourment-Clench. The Gourmant-Clench brothers are charismatic, fun loving young bucks around town with a highly paid retinue of round the clock lawyers and birth-control advisers.
7 – Debutante Chargesheet. It was “DC “ who famously brought The Bullingdon Club kicking and screaming into the 21st century by introducing a ritual of burning a tramp in front a pile of untouched £50 notes.
8 – Stanislaus Von Himmershmilt.  Family became rich off constructing the Berlin Wall and are already in negotiations with regular customer Donald Trump for any Mexican projects in the near future. “Standard” as he’s known enjoys shooting and heroin, thus separating the destructive influence on his late father’s life.
9 – Hercule Cummerbund-Cunt. Master of the Penge Hunt at just six years old, and revitalised after a spell in the Kloisters Borstal, “Cummers” has already waged a £1 million bet with Coral that he will own the Moon by his 25th birthday.
10 – Paralysis Montcrieff, the 17th Earl of Sheppey. Parents own most of the Isles of Wight, Sheppey and Dogs. Family made their money from bespoke torture solutions for emerging African nations in the 1960s. “The cunt’s cunt” – Tatler.
11 – Vatican Hellstooth. Just look at this bastard. Fuck me ragged, what an absolute fannyslap.